I am at this awkward phase of existence. I am no longer regretting or feeling the spirit of desperation. I am simply lying in wait. Watching and seeing the world around me for what it really is. Beautiful, full of many wonders and intriguing people. I have made a few new friends. Lost another. It doesn’t seem to hurt like it use to and maybe I am a bit more empowered. I am finally breaking a bondage I have been under for many years. Being governed by religion and suffering religious condemnation just seems more than I can handle. No, no. I am not falling away from my standards and I’m not tossing out Jesus from my life. I am simply coming to terms that I am human. I am accepting my flaws and learning to live a life without feeling condemned, with every turn I make. I understand I will be judged no matter how I choose to live and I know that I won’t always be accepted and that is expected. I am okay with that.
I am a bit indecisive, especially now, learning to think for myself. I do have an odd perspective on some things and my sense of humour can be a bit off. I scream and I get anxious from time to time. I am needy and need affirmations. I struggle to keep a clear mind and even though I get off the path from time to time, I still love God. I have spent my short lifetime thinking there was something wrong being this way. I’m always seeing a list of rules hanging in front of me and I don’t fit the mold for them. I want to freely love and freely accept those around me. If you reflect on Jesus, truly reflect, you will see He broke the so called rules of His era. He sat and ate with sinners. He let a sinner wash His feet with tears and her hair. He made Himself a guest with Zacchaeus, a tax collector, who in that day wasn’t considered a good thing with the Jews, because the job was to benefit the Romans and not the Jewish people. His mission was for the lost, not just the religious. I am absolutely grieved that all these years later, it seems the religious haven’t learned anything. I am not putting all in this category, because I know some amazing folk within the religious world, that go above and beyond and they have genuine Christ like minds. My issue is when personal preferences have become more a sermon than the divine intervention that Jesus can make. I am called outdated, but God doesn’t change. His truth is the same today as it were yesterday. There is a difference between personal preferences versus sin. My heart aches that people are stuck viewing the outside of me and not taking the time to accept the beautiful person I really am. I am gaining pieces of myself that I thought were lost. They weren’t really lost. They were suppressed. I was manipulated into believing I couldn’t be this way. That the very being, that God designed me to be, wasn’t acceptable in His religious realm. I find it boring to be like everyone else. I want to be set apart from them.
I have a friend, Grey, and we were talking recently. I was emotional and trying to figure out what is wrong with me. Seriously, mentally I was a joke that day, “I want this and that….this person and that person….hey look its doughnuts!” This friend is quite a bit of a goober at times, but he is honest with me. He won’t sugar coat and because of that, I have always highly respected his opinions and advice. He said something, along the lines, that I am fighting to please everyone else, but myself. I can’t even make my mind up or make decisions on my own, because of everyone else. I am tormented by the fact I may actually make a wrong decision. I had made the statement that I don’t know what I keep doing wrong and why I am wearing this target, that people think they can take advantage of me. The one thing that stuck out the most, was him reminding me of whom I once was. Not the bad behavior, but my personality, during those simpler days. I was confident. He said I am a flirt by nature and I am so friendly and people take it the wrong way. I snapped, like a child pouting, “Fine! I just won’t be nice and flirty anymore!” Grey grunted or laughed, really not sure, because he is always making some weird noises when I speak, and said, “No. That’s who you are. You don’t need to change that.”
I don’t need to change that. Hmmm. For the first time in 11 years, I have someone stepping up saying, hey you lost yourself on your spiritual journey. Your journey isn’t bad, just losing yourself is. It is okay to be YOU and accept those attributes about yourself. Some people like that about you and you’d be much happier to reach in, hug that Emily from 11 years ago and reintroduce yourself. She is intelligent, goofy, flirty, bold, opinionated, compassionate, and the friendliest person with the most amazing smile. The thing is. I am lacking that confidence. I spent those years conforming myself to my “church” standards, family standards, or ex husbands’ standards. I should have only been concerned with conforming myself to God’s standard and expectations, because He is the only one that sees me for who I am and truly loves me for it. I am not always an adult in the mind. I am so empathetic. I feel it and I react on it. I cry watching cartoons and my kids find it hilarious that a tear fell during Angry Birds. I shouldn’t be ashamed of that, because at least I know I can feel something and not be numb to everything around. I have meltdowns. I laugh annoyingly loud. I like to make people smile and I flirt with everyone, within reason. I am NOT a housekeeper like my grandma. Some days, I just toss whatever in the floor and get it another day. My laundry piles up and if you come visit, I will have to shuffle things over to make room for you to sit! I overeat from time to time. I fart and laugh about it. I yell at my kids. I break promises and well, I’m really not that great of a friend. I just don’t have time for everyone, because I like being alone periodically. I have been ashamed of much of myself, because it wasn’t what others expected. All I’ve ever wanted was to fit in or be apart of a bigger whole. I was taught I wasn’t pleasing to God or my friends and family; I am to conduct myself this and that way. SCREW IT ALL! Kick rocks if you don’t like my bad manners, bluntness, and lack of organization. Don’t get me wrong, I am mature enough to know there is a time and place for everything. My point is, I am going to fight everything to rebuild that confidence and I will live accordingly. People will always come and go. Being smarter, prettier, skinnier, or even funnier, will not change that fact.
I don’t want to ever watch myself fade away again. It is not worth all I’ve had to go through, just to please everyone else. If you only knew how hard it’s been to just breathe. I remember the spry and carefree 20 something I was and she was pretty amazing. She endured a lot, but she was strong and fiery. The passion she had, carried her. Today I arranged a meeting. I looked myself in the mirror. I saw tired eyes, a few wrinkles, a lighter complexion, but there was that beautiful smile. I could see the years pass and the toll it had taken, but that spark is well alive. I saw her. She’s there and she is so worth everything she’s dreamt of. I was a bit afraid, but I took a long, deep breath and let out a sigh, looked her in the eyes and said, “I’m delighted to make your acquaintance.”
O lord, thou hast searched me, and known me. Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, thou understandest my thought afar off. Thou compassest my path and my lying down, and art acquainted with all my ways. For there is not a word in my tongue, but, lo, O Lord, thou knowest it altogether. Thou hast beset me behind and before, and laid thine hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high, I cannot attain unto it. Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or whither shall I flee from thy presence? If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there. If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea; Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me. If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me; even the night shall be light about me. Yea, the darkness hideth not from thee; but the night shineth as the day: the darkness and the light are both alike to thee. For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well. My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them. How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them! If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand: when I awake, I am still with thee. Psalms 139:1-18
Surviving Purpose 